A new year, yet a new quiet

So, it's been a new year now for almost 2 months yet this is the first entry into my blog for 2009. The shame, the horror. In truth, it hasn't been for having things lacking to talk about. Quite the contrary. Whether it has been thoughts I've had of new years resolutions, comments about the world and the economy in the toilet,  or general Jess bantering, the truth is I haven't committed myself to write about it. So here is a bit of a catch up blog and the promise to be better about committing to a few paragraphs at least a couple of times during the week.

The new year has brought me both excitement and confusion, AGAIN. I remember growing up, somewhere in college realizing that most of the years that seem to have important things happen to me occur in odd ending years. I mean think about it. I learned to drive in 1991, graduated from college in 1997, got married in 2005. So somewhere my logic had me thinking this new year would bring something important to put in my milestone book. So far, 2 months in, nada. We'll see if this year brings about any worthwhile changes. While I am excited..the first few months have been blah at best. I want to be excited about what could be right around the corner, yet I am also confused on being apathetic to it as well. I guess time will tell.

One of the positive experiences that occurred towards the end of last year and has carried over into the beginning of this year, has been a new focus on writing. Not of my blog (obviously..which I really WILL get better at), but of my poetry. My sister in law, has graced me with such a gift it is beyond words. She's reminded me I am a writer, I am a matchmaker of lines, and again, one of my 'passions,' writing poetry has been reawakened in my sole. Thanks to her gift, I have viewed the world and the way that verses fall out of my pencil onto a paper in a new way. I have appreciated being able to focus some of my thoughts and feelings into a pencil that had been sitting dormant for many, many years. So this new year hopefully will bring a new rush of creativity I so desperately needed.

But this new year has brought a tiny bit of confusion. I will not lie. Since we came back from "home (Colorado)" in December, my thoughts have been with just that, being home. While I still value the adventure Doug and I are able to have out here, I would be denying my feelings by not saying that I miss Colorado more than I used to. I think having my family rally around my grandma, sick over the holidays, reminded me of how close I am to them. Yes, I am a 2 hr plane ride away, but I still miss them every day. I don't allow myself to get paralyzed by sadness or regret. The truth is, I am extremely grateful, more than Doug will ever know for this experience to move somewhere else, try something else, be someone else in our trips out to California here thus far. I really do feel like I have been able to push boundaries and experiences I probably never would have allowed myself to experience 5-10 years ago. It's helped me to prove to myself that I am a much stronger person that I let on, and no matter how much I fear change, I can handle and adapt.

Yet the confusion is that I can never really let go of home. No matter what I do to immerse myself here in, be it my "somewhat obsession" with running, my work, or trying to see what we can of California, life somewhere else is never far away in my mind. The longer I am away from it, the more critically aware I realize I am in differences, between the Jess of California, and the Jess of Colorado. And there are many times where all I want is to go back to being Jess of Colorado. I guess time, and circumstance will determine that eventually.

Phew, went really whiny there about missing Colorado huh? Just being fair. It isn't that I don't love the people and the life at times out here (I mean come on...80s in January when back home many of you were suffering with 30s), but Colorado is who I am, what I am...and I don't think moving to another state will ever change that, no matter how hard I, or someone else tries to change that.

Ok..enough whining about Colorado :) On to the positives of this year. So, so far in these short 2 1/2 months I am on target again to run in a good number of races before year end. So far...I have 3 under my belt. Including one that I am really glad I did last Sunday, the Chinatown 5K. It was probably the most challenging run I have completed, because most of it was totally hills in Chinatown, downtown LA. Definitely worth braving the cold and winds and spitting rain with a few of my running peeps to challenge ourselves. I look forward to more races this year, and working hard to challenge myself. I am hoping on doing another 1/2 marathon if not 2, by the end of the year.

So, a bit far into the new year..but the first official "blog" for me is in the books. I will vow to not be so quiet in the weeks and months to come! 

Christmas Present(s)

In keeping with the Christmas Carol theme, lets visit Christmas present, or in the case of a pretty decent Christmas yesterday, the Christmas Presents! :)

So yesterday turned into a very good Christmas indeed. It all started when Doug and I headed down on Christmas eve day to Denver. My grandma, being in the hospital and all, we decided to head to there first to see her on Christmas eve, and make sure that even though the Martinez clan had rallied around her already that day, that the last two Martinez/Milligans were still thinking of her. Doug, in an awesome gift of charity to my family, decided to cook dinner for everyone who would end up back at my parents after the hospital visits (turns out it was just my mom and dad and me and him..but regardless, a great present before the actual big Christmas day.

The first good gift of that night, my grandma was off her respirator and while still looking restless, confused and tired, MUCH better. It was good to be able to go in, see her alert, and ornery as ever. If there is one thing I have learned from this weekend is that my family, my grandparents in particular have this crazy stubborn nature that makes them fighters when something ails them. I am happy to be blessed with these good genes, and hope I fight the same over my next 50 years. As we left the hospital on Christmas eve, I had renewed hope that the best Christmas present that anyone could not wrap and put under the tree for me, would be unveiled on Christmas day, a grandma on a straight and narrow path to recovery.

Christmas day arrived quickly. We all conked out early on Christmas eve. I joined my parents in not really getting much sleep on Tuesday night, after visiting Grandma for the first time, and I think as long as I saw my grandma even a bit sick, even without the respirator on Christmas eve, it was hard to sleep without thinking of her. So Christmas day, I was a groggy but still not ready to be awakened Jess, walking downstairs to see my dad, up for coffee and the paper as he is every Christmas day WAY too early :) Still sleepy, I passed out on the couch for a bit more of a "cat nap."

Before I knew it, it was Christmas in full force. My dad having returned from visiting my Grandma again with my Grandpa, also back for the holiday festivities. My bro, sis in law and her mom, arriving to greet us. Then the world wind of presents began!

So for Christmas Present(s)...there are 3 in particular that will mark this Christmas as one of the most special, if not unique of Christmas pasts.

1) My grandma getting better. We visited her last night, after Christmas officially "ended" at the Martinez house, leaving a weary mom (thanks Mom for a great day!) we made the trek down to my grandma, not only finding her more alert, and more ornery, but in thankful spirits. She realizes the value of being able to be here and has promised to really take care of herself. The extra good news, she might even be discharged today or tomorrow from the hospital. A gift for me (selfishly) so that I know she is back at her house, resting, and better..before I hop on a plane to head back to our other life...in Cali next Monday. I am forever grateful that we are given the chance to be with her for longer. Last night, seeing her laughing, and being happy..made my Christmas completely. While I have always been accused of hoarding my gifts to the end, so that I have more than everyone to open, yesterday..the gift of my grandma being as well as she could, made me more excited, and overjoyed than anything else.

But..of course..there were GREAAAT presents I received that were actually UNDER the tree for me yesterday afternoon! :) The 2nd, involves a gift my new "sis" gave me. While simple, it was so touching, it can claim the best gift I received this year. You see, she knows I am a writer. I have often kicked around poetry and something I could create in the past, to show emotion. Often times when I am at my most frustrated or angry, verses come out. But honestly, while there have been emotions pent up in me, they haven't translated to a pen and verse in a LONG time. So Becky, in probably the best gesture ever, realized I needed a nudge, and created a poetry journal we can trade back and forth. A chance at creating "art" that only her and I can share. I am both excited and scared at this new prospect. But it was just the nudge I need, to get me back into the writing I have so dearly missed in years. It was a sweet gift I am not sure how I will EVER repay.

Lastly, the greatest "material" type gift came from my dear husband. I have been complaining for a few weeks now about wanting one of the new and latest ipods. This whining hit a higher level a few days ago, when my old school mini ipod I had, took a dump after charging. So low and behold as a great guy that he is went out and bought me a new ipod touch. The new ipods are skinnier, and actually are wifi compatible. I am so excited to use it, I am almost afraid to touch it! :) I only sincerely hope the gift waiting in California for him, he enjoys and is as happy with as I am with my touch.

So, a great Christmas all around. Some of what I wanted was delivered, others, great miracles and surprises also were welcomed. I am appreciative this Christmas present, of everything received! For now, I will enjoy one last Christmas gift..enjoying Colorado for a few more days before hitting the reality of life back somewhere else. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

Thoughts of Christmas Past....and the lady who made them so special

Of course, as a kid, I can remember seeing the made for TV movies, and reading a Christmas Carol. Remembering how Scrooge gets visited by 3 different Christmas ghosts, one from the past, one from the present, and one from the future. On a drive down to Denver today, I kept thinking  of one in particular, Christmas past.

You see, when I was young, Christmas past was about Christmas spent at my grandparents huge two story house on the west side of Denver. I absolutely loved this house as a kid. The house I grew up in was a ranch style/bungalow type house on the South Side of Denver. Suburbia. My grandparents house always meant something so different, another world both outside and inside the house. Across the street, "projects" (or lower rent apartments) adorned the street. It was always interesting to get out of the car on a visit over there, and see what crazy characters were hanging out in front of the projects. And then, there were the neighbors on my grandparents side of the street, each with their own weird idiosyncrasies that made the neighborhood unique.

But my grandparents house was this huge haven. A gigantic two story house where only my grandparents lived, but that was often adorned with us grandkids (only me and my bro, and on occasion our cousin from Northern Denver. The always kept it in pristine condition, my grandma always cleaning, making us wear little booties she hand crocheted, and my grandpa, always watering his lawn, or out mowing, the old fashion type way with a push mower. I relished going over to their house during the summers.

And Christmases, well they were no different. I loved Christmases at my grandparents. To this day, the traditions of Christmas as a kid still ring true and heavy in my heart. Christmas eve was spent putting up our Christmas lists by our fireplace. Only now do I realize a list on Christmas eve made it almost impossible to allow Santa time to buy us the gifts we really wanted. Christmas eve also meant church at the same parish that we were not only members of, but that I attended school at from K-8th grade. We always went to the Children's mass, and I fear that from the time I was young until almost high school, I only went to see who else I knew in the audience in the pews around me...all my friends from school.

But Christmas Day..meant getting up early, and heading over to my grandparents house. The smells of Christmas ham, mixed in with Mexican helpings wafting into our noses the minute the screen door and huge and heaving front doors were opened. My grandpa there to great us with some goofy comment and arms outstretched for a big hug. My grandma, apron on, in the kitchen manning all the burners she had available, making beans, homemade tortillas, checking on the ham in the oven. She was a superhero on Christmas days. I always wonder how she got it all ready and perfect every time.

After dinner, we opened gifts. Most of the gifts from mom and dad we might have gone thru that morning, before hitting my grandparent's house but sometimes we convinced mom and dad to just pack them in the car, so we had more to open at their house. While I can never recall my grandparents having a huge Christmas tree (they always had a smaller table top sized one where presents were stacked under until there was no room on the small table and they had to be placed on the floor). And after gifts, my grandma would take out of hiding a huge coffee can, always filled to the brim with pennies, dimes, nickels, spare change that her and my grandpa had accumulated over that past year. The intention, well to teach/make the grandkids play Black jack, or Poker. Even at a tender age of 7 or 8, I can recall learning how to play those games, with cheap ass penny anty type pots. We never won big, we never brought home the jar of change that we might have won, just gave it to grandma for the next time we'd play. The next family get together.  It is part of what made going over to their house that much more special. The anticipation of the next time.

My grandparents sold this house over the summer between my junior and senior year in high school. Coincidently the same summer that I was wired shut for 6 weeks after having jaw surgery to correct a horrible overbite I had as a kid. I remember hating that I couldn't really show emotion, couldn't scream, couldn't talk about how a little hole was being created when they sold that house...all I could do was cry. I knew deep in my heart the house was too big and they needed something smaller as they got older, but loosing the house, that safe haven, and more Christmases there to come...just tore me up inside.

The lady that made those Christmases of my past so possible, so important to me that I can still recall vivid memories over 25 years later, is spending Christmas apart from my family this year. The drive down to Denver today, was to visit her in a hospital room in ICU. After a pretty harsh bout with a cold, that turned into a bad cough earlier this morning she was not feeling good and the careful and awesome souls at the senior citizen center my grandparents go to rushed her off to the hospital. It was that great woman, I went today to visit. While Christmas will continue this year, my thoughts are with her. Her getting better, her waking up from the medicine haze they have her in, her being able to see me and allow me to give her a hug, is the Christmas gift I wish for that I can't find in any store for any price. Until then, I dream dreams of Christmases past and think good thoughts for a speedy and healthy recovery .

Adjusting to a life I once had...

So, it has been a few days Doug and I have been back in the 'hood. Cold ass Colorado. I guess I can't complain too much. I have friends in the Chicago area who are in a deep chill, Doug's family in Seattle is probably buried under massive snow, and my good friend and former roomie in the CT is probably feeling the chill as well. I guess mother nature wanted to remind all parts of the world it is OFFICIALLY winter. Even some of my buds in California are gripping about the unseasibly cold winter chill there, to include ice on the windshields (I still do have a snow/ice scraper in my car back in Cali if anyone needs it ;D)

Anyway, as is always the case when I hit Colorado it always means adjusting back to my life I am used to as a Coloradan. It's normally a switch I can make pretty easily, and this time is no different. Being able to veg in our house to watch movies (there is no cable here..so dang, no real TV), being able to look out my patio doors and see a back yard, being annoyed by the children in the house across from us (yesterday they were submerging fireworks into snowballs and lighting them up..FUN!) is all a part of what makes me love Colorado. Aside from Doug and I still trying to get use to the cold temps, life back here has been good. It always helps to get a chance for us to hit Colorado and reconnect. Like a little shot of hometown love.

While home, a few nights ago, we got the chance to go see the movie Milk. This movie has been out for a few weeks back in Cali, but I told Doug it was a must in my holiday movie viewing and convinced him to go see it. By far..one of the best movies we have seen all year. If Sean Penn does not win an Oscar, something is wrong. But what was interesting, was seeing a movie like that here. While I love my little cow-town, it is no lie that Colorado is a very conservative state. I notice that more since moving away. So to see a movie like Milk, about the first openly gay individual to hold public office, well lets just say I expected about 3 people in the movie theater in there with us. While the Fort Collins audiences surprised me, Doug and I both noted seeing a movie in California like Milk might have garnered a wider audience. It did make me sad that something that happened so long ago in the 70s, some of the themes, discussions, etc could have taken place recently with the passing of Prop 8. But alas, I will not get on my soapbox. For all who are looking for a good movie, I highly recommend it.

Coming home has also meant a trip up to Estes Park to see the Elks roaming in Rocky Mountain National Park. While we didn't get a chance to snowshoe today (but might this week as Doug reminded me we left old snowshoes here at the house, I always love going up there. So peaceful to see the snow wisk off the mountains. It was worth almost getting car sick with all the windy turns.

Lastly, coming home means catching up with old friends, new friends, and family. This trip since it is a bit longer is no different. I am hoping to have lunch/dinner with my good friend from college, my close friend from my first job after college (who never ceases to make laugh..you know who you are Paula :D) and coincidently also to catch up with LONNNNNNG lost friends if the weather cooperates. Through the power of social networking, in this last year I have caught up with old friend I had when I was in my goofy young years to my awkward tweens. People that I went to school with almost 20 years ago. Provided this goofy weather doesn't get any worse, I might make the trip down to say hello to them all.

Nothing like coming home again to remind you of the life you once had, be it when you were 11, or last year. Merry almost Christmas all!

The deep FREEZE?

Rumor has it a few days ago, in Colorado it was in the low single digits, even the negative degree temps if you figure in the wind chill. While I of course believe all my Colorado friends and family, not being here to witness it, it seems hard to fathom. However, as the saying goes in Colorado, give it a few minutes, hours, days and whammo, the weather can change like that!

Doug and I are back home in the cushy confines of our slow to heat up Colorado house in the northernlands. (I must say the term Southlands for S. Cali has so much better of a ring to it). We flew in today for the holidays and are staying until a few days after Christmas, so that it isn't a fly in fly out kind of visit. While the "getting here" part seemed rough this morning (Doug and I decided to pack a few hrs before, of course making me frantic on if I remembered things. And I had to leave both of our cutie meower furballs in California. Too much to try and bring home with work computers, and warm weather clothes. Leaving the cats (while it sounds funny) always seems traumatic for me. With my cutie being in ill health, everytime I leave her at the vet for boarding, I wonder how she will do. I hated leaving her knowing how much she would enjoy roaming the compound here in Windsor, but I definitely feel more comfortable leaving her in good hands at the Vets in California, even if it is going to cost me a huge bill), it is nice to be back in the confines of what was home for so many years. I will admit, getting into DIA felt strange tonight. Most times it has meant hopping off the plane with a huge grin, and a desire to kiss the Colorado ground. But tonight, maybe it was the cold, maybe it was the THRONGS of first time travelers that frustrated Doug and myself, but heading in felt different. I do feel more comfy though now that we are home. Now if we could only get the house heated up!

This week will bring catching up with old friends, and family, and our lives back here. It will mean braving the masses at the malls, as I search for the families gifts. It will mean watching It's a Wonderful Life for the umpteenth time, because it isn't Christmas in my book without that movie. It will mean freezing my ass off in the Colorado cold again, as December brings a festive holiday chill. As always, Doug made sure to bring his cameras, so that it can be documented, and thrown to the world to witness. There really is no place like home. And home for the holidays IS Colorado. Happy Holidays all!