So to catch up. About a month and 1/2 ago..made my way back to Colorado (Doug trailed behind a few days later), on the company's dime! Hooray. Actually had work business to go back for. So, I got the chance to be old Jess again. Live my old life in our house, in my old office, with my co-workers I am still friends with, and catch up with friends I didn't get to see when we were home for my brother's wedding. And interestingly enough the trip back provided a bit more guidance and direction for me, in an interesting way.
I think up until being able to "go back again, and live my old life" I viewed Cali in a very peculiar way. Not angry, not bitterly, not even resentful of being here..just not settled. I was used to my routine, but every morning I woke up wondering what was happening back home (home meaning Colorado). Woke up wonder how our house was, what I felt like I was missing. It was unsettling. I could never put my finger on what caused it, or how to fix it, I just always felt kinda out of sorts. I think that is why I focused so much on running with my group here. Keep yourself busy, you won't think so much was my reasoning.
But going home this time, while it didn't provide a closure ('cause there really isn't anything to close), provided me a bit of clarification and direction I might not have had before the trip. And left me realizing coming back to California, and my life I have established here, at this point in time was the right avenue.
I often think my life is a tale of two Jess entities. There is the Jess in Colorado..on her home turf. A kid who doesn't have to think about where to go, or how to get to some place. Who is comfortable, almost complacent in life. Who is 100% sure (ok maybe 92% sure) of who she is. Part of it might have to do with having family there I can depend on, part of it might be that up until our move it was all I knew. But life is "simple." And for a few months into this crazy "California adventure" I always thought simple meant easier. How can I enjoy being here (as in here in Cali) if life in Colorado was easier!?!
But coming back this last trip from Colorado...my impression, thoughts, opinions completely changed. And what was weird..it wasn't a conscious switch. I didn't get off the plane that night and think, OK..EMBRACING California now. LOVE this place. It just kinda switched subconsciously. I realized, maybe by getting to live my old life, that that WAS actually going to still be there when I returned. That while the world doesn't cease to turn when I am not there, it is still a world I can be comfortable in. And with that why not ENJOY life here IN california?!
So life back here has changed the Jess entity living "the dream" here in Cali into a more settled gal. Maybe it is the fact that we get to move in a month (Doug and I are going to look into renting a house..which will definitely help on the comfortability level as LOCATION is everything. Maybe it is feeling more a part of my group in my office, and with people not even IT that have become friends with through the power of a running shoe. All I know is that this challenge, this big change that I doubted I would be good at has been super positive for me. IN talking with my dad the other day over dinner, HE even noticed. He told me I had done a lot of growing up just in the few months I have been here and that a move was definitely good for me. While it meant having to miss me while we are living here...he realized this is what I needed to not only really appreciate my hometown, and my life in Colorado, but learn that no change is impossible. You just have to learn how to handle it, in your own way.
So while California is not in our cards for a long term out here, yours truly feels more secure and settled here. I often wondered (last year) if someone told us after our "year here" was up..ok you could move back, would I jump? Would I tell Doug, "first chance you get, get us out of here?"
The good news, I can honestly say, without just saying it to throw hot air into the world, I don't think I would. I am in this until both Doug and I decide it is time to go. I am much happier, more settled...and ready to embrace the changes Cali has to offer me. And in the meantime, will balance the two Jess entities within me, realizing that one isn't cooler, or more important than the other.
Gotta love growing older..and learning more about yourself!
